Repressed Alpha Female: Sucks

Sometimes I wonder how I would've turned out if it weren't for all this... inability to interact with people on an interpersonal level type stuff.

Okay, maybe I'm being dramatic.

I'm fine once I get comfortable with people, really.

But at the beginning I'm all "smile too hard and be polite until you can get out of this horrendously awkward situation ha ha jokey times please can I go home".

I kind of think I would've been an Alpha Female, you know? I mean, my personality and the general state of my psyche are 2 totally different things, and I can't help but feel like the latter is ruining my damn life.

I've got the characteristics! It's all here, buried in my head. I'm way too ambitious for my own good. I do kind of desperately long to be around people sometimes. I'm just cutthroat enough to not be all psycho evil bitch but to be all ain't no one fucks with tiny hippo. (+5 for you if you got that reference)
Alpha female. That sounds like me in the corners of my head, but not the me that I actively put forth unto this glorious, unsuspecting world. Because I can't. I try, and then I open my damn mouth and I've got 70 billion different types of "what?" spewing from my maw.

And sometimes (kinda now) I think it's all a load of bullshit and it's all in my head and why should I feel nervous ever? About anything?

And I know how people work, I know what to do I just can't do it because I think too hard and actually, overestimate. Overestimate someone's intelligence or kindness or humanitarian qualities and it ruins my eyebrows as it blows up in my face because I'm not running on quite the same frequency as like anyone ever.

Or maybe it's just Teen Blogger Syndrome.