There's A Certain Something That Comes With Posting Things On The Internet

Note: this post contains illustrations to help you dumbfucks get it, cause clearly, no one seemed to the last time!


Because apparently people don't know How To Blog, I am setting up this post as a Handy Dandy Guidebook for those of you sad souls who royally fail at being an Internet. I mean, everyone royally fails at being an internet based purely on principle (living on the internet=failure), but some people more than others I guess? Being an internet is HARD WORK.
Note that if your blog is about your kids sans snark, you fail by default, and you should delete right now. No one cares and no one wants to see that.

Okay! Here we go!

Obviously the first step is, like, opening up a blog. Choose the least offensive theme and title. This step may take awhile, the road is paved with treachery and lameness. But I believe in you.

Now that you've done that, you're going to want to post lots and lots of awesome mindblowing stuff and get millions of followers and moneyz (I have no idea how you make the (quantum) leap from Posting Stuff to Being Paid To Post Stuff but that one is pretty important so don't skip it).

What's that?
Oh, yeah. It's like, really really not that easy.

Okay firstfirstfirst you're going to want to decide what kind of blog you want to run. You know-- who you're posting for.

It's called a Target Market in business.

Except on a much larger, much nerdier scale.

You have to know your Target Market, and tailor your posts to them. This mainly comes from being AWFUL at blogging and slowly figuring out how you best represent yourself and acquiring a devoted, loving fanbase from there. I think I might still be stuck on the awful stage. 
Point: You can't just willy nilly flaunt your fingers on the internet, dear!
It's a vicious place!

Think of the Internet and its inhabitants like a troll. No, like lots of trolls. Scary trolls. If you tread carefully, you cross the bridge. If not... Well.  You've seen trolls.
(in case you haven't :: )




You might say something stupid like "I'm posting for myself, not phantom followers on the internet I may never meet" or "why do you automatically assume that I'm doing this to please people?" or even "why are you even offering this advice to me, you're really being rather rude and it's not as if I asked in the first place". Just stop right there. You should know deep in your heart and soul that you are wrong.

The internet is attention-based. The entire point of blogging is attention-based.
You revel in the attention. Look deep in your heart, you know it to be true.

If you were truly doing this for yourself, you would keep a diary or scrapbook or something.
The internet is for everyone. There is no such thing as Your Confined Space on the internet, as much as websites will try to tell you with their "security features" and whatnot.
So stop lying.
Untrue:

BACK TO TARGET MARKETS.
And I promise you, this is going somewhere.

Right so my target market would be people similar to me, in my age group of teenagerness.

Yes, I enjoy myself, writing here, and I enjoy posting, and mostly my audience is one person, but I understand that saying "omg im potsing 4 myslef soo stop h8ing" is a bullshit reaction to criticism.


Now: the actual point.
Your blog about your kids?
There is no target market for that shit.
You wanna know how much I want to punch you in your stupid face when you showcase your bratty, spoiled ass kids?


THE QUESTION THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY AND CERTAINLY ON YOUR MINDS RIGHT NOW:

Did this female of the internet just make an entire, lengthy blog post about how to blog successfully as simply a passive aggressive way to say that mommy blogs are annoying and useless?

The answer: YES.

Because it is TRUE.

Reality is, you blog however you want to blog, and whether that puts you on the top or bottom of the internet hierarchy is yet to be seen. Do what makes you happy.

Unless what makes you happy is ceaselessly clogging up the internet by talking about your two precious girls and how you threaded their hair into real weaves and laced them up with Mommy's Little Crack Whore body glitter to make them look adorable and also train them for later life.

If that's what makes you happy, reevaluate your life.

You lose. Good day sir.

Much love (or hatred, depending)
xx
Simona
ps: no, my complete disdain for mommy blogs will never ever ever cease ever

Instead of my religion homework

Soooo.
I really don't believe in any of this bullshit.
But I found something kind of awesome.
I mean, not for believers.
Still.

"The Holy Name of God

 One of the most sacred accounts of the First Testament is the revelation of the Name of God to Moses at Midian. Some people called this account- Exodus 3. 1-14- the "revelation of revelations". The Name is so sacred that the Hebrew Bible gives us only its four consonants (YHWH). And in Jewish services the Holy Name is never pronounced because of the danger  of misusing it. It is replaced with "Adonai" (the LORD) or with "Blessed Is He!" or simply with "the Name". In our own Christian tradition, it is important to continue to respect this reverence for the Holy Name of God."H




Holy fuckballs.
The God of the bible is LORD VOLDEMORT.
I have decided and so it shall be.
Everyone praise the Dark Lord.

That's all I am going to be able to think of in tomorrow's class.
Fun.

Much love.
xx

"It's like water water everywhere but not a drop to drink, my frustration and my agony have pushed me to the brink I keep tilting back the glass but I never taste the water it seems no matter what I read I think 'this is not Harry Potter.' 'No, this is not Harry Potter.' "

Current state: Post-potter depression.

Yes, dear reader, it's august and I still find myself crying whilst watching "Harry Potter | Marchin On".

Sigh.

Someone take me back to any time before july fifteenth?
That would be nice.

Harry Potter is over.
Cry, moan, gag, retch.
That's not me being sarcastic, that's literally what I feel like.

I mean, how am I still saddened by this? Should I not have some sort of emotional HP shield up by now? Evidently not, because I just watched some footage of the last day of HPDHPT2 shooting, and it's still possibly the most tragic and moving thing since Titanic.

THISISSOSAD.

I swear, I need some happy pills or something.

Actually, no, I'll keep being sad, cuz happy pills are like a back to school present of fifteen unwanted pounds. Apparently. Merp.
But let's not go there.

Eurgh.

It's 2:45 am and I honestly had a lot of funny stuff planned out to say in this blog, but now I'm just
sad and I can't remember any wordswordswords and alsopossiblymaybe cocooned in a blanket.

BRB, watching awful offensiveness on youtube to see if that brightens my mood any.

For your viewing pleasure:

Clickey Clack This Button For Britishness and rudeness

Actually I feel a little better now. Ah, the joys of comedy.

Also I really hope the link worked.

Well I'm going to go get lost in the internet. Honestly, I'll probably just wind up here or, due to a more recent development, here. Then again.... could find meself here.

Slightly depressing super short story coming your way, when I was finding the links to the videos titled "here" and "here", I had to literally pause the videos so I wouldn't get wrapped up and start crying.

Now.
I must go be comforted by the world of different ethnic Nyan Cats.

Adieu.

PS: Yes I realize I'm being ridiculous and stupid. I think I'm over tired.

Just No

How do normal people deal with the internet making them angry? I think the logical response is to stop being on the Internet, but I reeeeeeeeally don't see that happening for myself any time in the near future.

Back to the interwebby thing... I SINCERELY DO NOT GIVE TWO FLYING FUCKS ABOUT YOUR ART AND/OR YOUR "PRECIOUS LITTLE GIRLS"


I mean, the art thing I can at least understand, but the little girl thing? That's like a big sign saying "hey, rapists! Here's a multitude of pictures for your personal fun!" Not to mention, us normal fucking people don't care if you got those pink tacky-ass feathers shoved in your poor toddlers scalp. And people WONDER why our generation is so fucked. Because we had these IDIOTS raising us, thinking it's okay to whore your precious little darlings out to the entire internet for god-knows-what reasons.

NO.

THIS IS NOT OKAY.

Not to mention, you sound like a fucking idiot the entire time. "Here's us at so and so beach!"
I just want to comment and be like, your kids are ugly and you're pathetic.

It makes me genuinely angry.

I get that you have some serious issues with your self esteem involving being just a massive attention whore, but don't drag your kids into this!

It's like, the only thing more boring than going on a lame family vacation is hearing about someone else's lame family vacation.

You. Are. Warping. Your. Children.

Some people just shouldn't exist.

Freaking Out, Not Gonna Lie

I literally cannot find a decent Harry Potter countdown widget ANYWHERE. This should be big news. :(

Newest Blog Thingay

Got sick of all pink.
Now deciding on some new backgrounds for this blog.

Hold on for the Ride.

Re: whostheyanyway.blogspot.com

Dear Reader (because I know it's only Julia out there),

I simply MUST refer to and possibly TEAR APART LIKE A SPARTAN a part of Julia's blog, as referring to the end of Harry Potter (cry, moan, whimper like a petulant child, etc).

I don't much feel like reiterating her entire post... so here. LE SNIPPET.

"THE END HAS COME. On July 15th, my childhood will have come to an abrupt close. But as the snitch says, "I open at the close" so maybe it's not all over, right? RIGHT?? "

Adorkable, as I may or may not have mentioned. But seriously, that font is hard as shit to read. I had to put a black highlight to it. Though, now that I think of it, how hard exactly is shit? Is the shit we are referring to frozen?




Irrelevant.

The main point I want to discuss is the mention of the snitch. Indeed, the snitch opens at the end...... And reveals the half-dead remnants of the person/people that you loved enough to attempt bending the rules of the universe and all of Narnia to bring back.

Maybe, I don't want my snitch opened. Maybe the entire idea of the snitch opening at the close is that it opens to console you as you walk towards your sure and brave demise, and is a gift not meant for the living to dwell on.

Yes.
I have decided. That is it. Let no one contest me on this. The snitch opens at the close because no person who is going to have to face the consequences of today tomorrow could handle that. I mean, Harry is the obvious exception, but then, he's the exception to most rules, isn't he? *cheesy Paramore plays in background*

And maybe this isn't the end, because JK Rowling is a crafty little witch, and is revealing the new site "Pottermore" - not that we know what that entails. At all.

I really, really hope that it's good.

Okay, okay, I've wasted enough of your precious time.

GO, MY LOVELIES. DANCE TIL YOU'RE DEAD.

(isn't that so much better than a regular sign off?)

Explanations

You may have noticed a severe increase in my amount of blogs per... week, I guess.

It always happens in the summer.

I guess it started a few days ago when I was like OMG SO BORED ON THE INTERNETS JUST KILL ME NOW. Like, I had looked through so many memebase pages my head was gonna explode. I have looked at every. single. rage comic. ever. If it's been posted on ragecomics.memebase.com, I have seen it. Even if it sucks. Nay, especially if it sucks. (most of them suck).

Amidst my boredom, I was like ZOMG I HAVE A BLOG LET'S GO WRITE SOMETHING.

And then I proceeded to stare at a blank page for hours upon hours. (Not really)

I forgot how hard this is.

Not to mention, I used to have ramblerambleramble posts that make me want to tell my past self tl;dr.

So,

I'm here.

I used to be able to just blog about nothing!

What happened?

I am actually so tired of the freaking rules of the freaking internet.

Like.
Like.

SDFLKJDSHFVDVIUHJWNFDAZCX VIAUSPDYFIOADSIFKLJVNXCBV

ALL I WANT TO DO IS WATCH AN ALL-DAY BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER MARATHON, BUT NOOOOO.

How is it that the second I find a good video that doesn't freeze halfway through or demand I buy MacKeeper (I don't want to clean my effin Mac...)
.... IT HAS A DUB OVER OF THE WRITERS TALKING ABOUT WHAT CERTAIN SCENES WERE INTENDED TO DO FOR THE PLOT AND ETC? I don't CARE that the opening scene is intended to show Buffy reaching within herself or some shit, I wanna WATCH IT.

Swearing In Italian and Etc

Matteo, my little brother, is trash talking to his video game downstairs, using a multitude of swears that no eleven year old should know.

I should mention that he's not even connected to randoms playing on his team or against him or whatever. He's just chillin down there, swearing at nothing. X_X

It's not even some intense hardcore game (MARIO KAAAAART), it's just, like, boxing. Mortal Kombat?

I don't even know, nor do I want to.