Because apparently people don't know How To Blog, I am setting up this post as a Handy Dandy Guidebook for those of you sad souls who royally fail at being an Internet. I mean, everyone royally fails at being an internet based purely on principle (living on the internet=failure), but some people more than others I guess? Being an internet is HARD WORK.
Note that if your blog is about your kids sans snark, you fail by default, and you should delete right now. No one cares and no one wants to see that.
Okay! Here we go!
Obviously the first step is, like, opening up a blog. Choose the least offensive theme and title. This step may take awhile, the road is paved with treachery and lameness. But I believe in you.
Now that you've done that, you're going to want to post lots and lots of awesome mindblowing stuff and get millions of followers and moneyz (I have no idea how you make the (quantum) leap from Posting Stuff to Being Paid To Post Stuff but that one is pretty important so don't skip it).
What's that?
Oh, yeah. It's like, really really not that easy.
Okay firstfirstfirst you're going to want to decide what kind of blog you want to run. You know-- who you're posting for.
It's called a Target Market in business.
Except on a much larger, much nerdier scale.
You have to know your Target Market, and tailor your posts to them. This mainly comes from being AWFUL at blogging and slowly figuring out how you best represent yourself and acquiring a devoted, loving fanbase from there. I think I might still be stuck on the awful stage.
Point: You can't just willy nilly flaunt your fingers on the internet, dear!
It's a vicious place!
Think of the Internet and its inhabitants like a troll. No, like lots of trolls. Scary trolls. If you tread carefully, you cross the bridge. If not... Well. You've seen trolls.
(in case you haven't :: )
You might say something stupid like "I'm posting for myself, not phantom followers on the internet I may never meet" or "why do you automatically assume that I'm doing this to please people?" or even "why are you even offering this advice to me, you're really being rather rude and it's not as if I asked in the first place". Just stop right there. You should know deep in your heart and soul that you are wrong.
The internet is attention-based. The entire point of blogging is attention-based.
You revel in the attention. Look deep in your heart, you know it to be true.
If you were truly doing this for yourself, you would keep a diary or scrapbook or something.
The internet is for everyone. There is no such thing as Your Confined Space on the internet, as much as websites will try to tell you with their "security features" and whatnot.
So stop lying.
Untrue:
BACK TO TARGET MARKETS.
And I promise you, this is going somewhere.
Right so my target market would be people similar to me, in my age group of teenagerness.
Yes, I enjoy myself, writing here, and I enjoy posting, and mostly my audience is one person, but I understand that saying "omg im potsing 4 myslef soo stop h8ing" is a bullshit reaction to criticism.
Now: the actual point.
Your blog about your kids?
There is no target market for that shit.
You wanna know how much I want to punch you in your stupid face when you showcase your bratty, spoiled ass kids?
THE QUESTION THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY AND CERTAINLY ON YOUR MINDS RIGHT NOW:
Did this female of the internet just make an entire, lengthy blog post about how to blog successfully as simply a passive aggressive way to say that mommy blogs are annoying and useless?
The answer: YES.
Because it is TRUE.
Reality is, you blog however you want to blog, and whether that puts you on the top or bottom of the internet hierarchy is yet to be seen. Do what makes you happy.
Unless what makes you happy is ceaselessly clogging up the internet by talking about your two precious girls and how you threaded their hair into real weaves and laced them up with Mommy's Little Crack Whore body glitter to make them look adorable and also train them for later life.
If that's what makes you happy, reevaluate your life.
You lose. Good day sir.
Much love (or hatred, depending)
xx
Simona
ps: no, my complete disdain for mommy blogs will never ever ever cease ever
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